Saturday, January 31, 2009

Truly dope women don’t chase men – ever!

All my single ladies!! (And my 2 shit starters - Brian and Jason! lol)

It’s 8:45 on a Saturday morning - and yes, I should still be asleep – but ya girl is feeling inspired (thanks Randi for the nudge!) to share a recent revelation with you. A while back I wrote a note entitled “Fried Chicken and A Warm Bosom for a Good and Single Man’s Soul”. In the comment section of this blog I stated that “truly dope women don’t chase men – ever”. Of course Tasha (who else? Lol) disagreed with me, and we eventually resolved that truly dope women do chase men - sometimes - even if it just means misinterpreting his b.s. excuses.

You know what I just figured out?!? THAT IS WRONG!! Truly dope women should not chase men – EVER…and leave it to ya girl to break it all down and tell you why.

Have you ever read that book He’s Just Not That Into You? If you haven’t you need to google that shit and get your hands on every free passage of the book you can siphon from the internet (or just go out to a bookstore and buy it – but who does that anymore?). The authors have one major thesis: the sexual revolution was a wonderful thing, but no one woman can reverse one million years of evolution – meaning we can not change the innate nature of men.

As a future veterinarian and a scientist, of course I have to draw an example from my knowledge base! But this is an analogy I at least know my Saul, PSU, and Penn friends will understand (which is damn near all of y’all):

A snake is intrinsically a predator, a polygenically inherited trait. For whatever reason nature “engineered” them that way. I don’t know why (sorry, scientists don’t focus on the whys), but it is what it is. Conversely, a mouse is prey, an unfortunate multifactorial characteristic of the species. Sucks for the mouse, but eh, what are you gonna do? That’s the circle of life. So what happens when you present to a literally starving snake (an innate hunter) a gift-wrapped mus musculus sandwich? For those of you who don’t know – and you can fact check me on this – A SNAKE WILL ALMOST ALWAYS STARVE TO DEATH RATHER THAN EAT THE FOOD YOU SUPPLY FOR HIM ON A PLATE. So how do we get the starving snakes to eat? We usually play tricks on their minds, allowing them to get the thrill of a chase and capture, even though we know the truth is that dinner was brought to them on a silver platter (more on that later).

So I guess by now you can see where I’m going with this. Chasing a man is almost always counterproductive. Men are the snakes. We are the mice. Picture for just one moment a mouse chasing a snake. Pretty stupid, huh? Even if the mouse catches the snake, is that at all satisfying for the mouse? Doubt it. What’s more, the snake is probably thinking “there is no way I’m gonna eat this mouse, it must have some kind of damn prion disease”!

Now fortunately, human beings are slightly more complicated than snakes and mice, but unfortunately, that does not mean nature doesn’t apply to us. I know - It’s tempting to disagree with me right now, because as strong, powerful, motivated, and independent women, you want to believe that you can work to achieve anything you want for your life. And you can. But chasing a man is not the way. It is completely counterproductive. Think about it for just one minute. Think about all the people you know in successful relationships, and ask yourself, who did the chasing? Was he the initiator, or was she? Seriously, I have racked my brains, and I can’t think of one married or long-term couple that I know that shares a relationship that the woman initiated. The shit ain’t natural. Furthermore, consider all of the guys who you have made it easy for over the years (you know, the way guys SAY they want it). How many of these attempts at reversing the natural order of the universe have actually been fruitful for you? Lemme guess – none right? I know. Moreover, how many of these attempts have been painful for you? Yeah…It sucks to be a prey species. But alas, there is hope! Again, allow ya girl to break it down for you so that it can forever and consistently be broke (yes, I just got finished watching Love Jones).

1) If he ain’t calling – put down that damn phone! Don’t you dare call him. That is completely counterproductive. A phone call from you will only turn him off – whether consciously or subconsciously. Maybe he will call when he is ready, but you calling him is like putting the koochie (the mouse) on a plate for him, the d!ck (aka the snake). *LMAO in my head right now – this analogy has gone too far*. For real. Maybe there is a spark there, maybe not. But you can’t do anything about it, so why worry? Hakuna Matata.

2) Stop worrying about how he is going to react to what you say and do. Be mean, damn it!! Think about it. How many men have you told to “GO AWAY” on SEVERAL occasions, and they just keep chasing you? Yeah…for me, the answer is TNTC! Why do men do that? Probably because rejection makes the chase more interesting for them. So why do we make it so easy for the ones that we WANT to chase us? I don’t know y’all, maybe we need to start offering their asses a little rejection too. Can’t go wrong with this, because if it’s meant to be it’ll be. And if a man truly wants you, a freight train couldn’t stop his ass!

3) Here’s the part we can control (alas, the hope part :) ). We can put ourselves in situations more often where we more are likely to be spotted by a predator. Most predators are nocturnal, so this means more late night foraging for drinks/food/dessert/laughs with our girls, and most importantly, with ourselves!! – Not to digress, but really, there is some truth to this “natural order” thing. Prey species are generally gregarious, e.g. – WOMEN! LOL. And a predator’s main thrill in life is to separate his prey from the pack, conquer it, and devour it, e.g. – MEN! (Yes, I'm geeking off my own analogy. Ah…but I digress) – Anywho, as we all know, this is the truly fun part of being a woman – getting all prissied up to go laugh in the faces of wack dudes who try to holla at us. Ladies, this we need to do more often!

4) Something else we can control – let the wack dudes chase you a little bit. It’ll make you feel good. At least you won’t be sitting at home drinking white zinfandel and playing guitar hero (or maybe that’s just me, lol). Besides, you never know who might end up impressing you and becoming THE ONE.

So with that said, I am going to get off my ass and start to enjoy being single again! Life is good. Better get it in before I have smelly socks to pick up off the floor and a toilet seat that won’t seem to stay down! Besides...I think I heard somebody say something about shopping!

Ya girl

P.S. Two more things I just gotta add:

1) It must be hella complicated to be a lesbian.
2) India.Aire’s “This Too Shall Pass” is a beautiful song. I cried like a baby when I first heard it - snotty nose and all. You should check it out!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Fried chicken and a warm bosom for a good and single man's soul.

I don’t know why I am so annoyed by his text messages. I suppose now that I’m pushing 30, my patience for nonsense has grown extremely short. Actually, it grew short in 2008, but in 2009 I’ve begun to accept it. Anywho, now that I’ve subtracted my emotional involvement from certain “situations”, and have suffered the profound duty of breaking two hearts 10 days into the new year, I feel obligated to offer a word to all my single “good men” out there. I just had to tell you how stupid you act when it comes to good women.

First of all, you should realize that we don’t come a dime a dozen. We’re not on every street corner, you can’t find us at every random bar, and we don’t where our IQs on our shirts like a name tag (despite your desire to have us do so!)…no, we’re rare. You know who I’m talking about? That pretty, sexy, smart, cool, funny, driven, independent woman with her own shit, who turns you on mentally, physically, emotionally, and can hook up some fried chicken like nobody’s business (or steak - whatever floats your boat). When she smiles she lights your internal fire, she is just the kind of woman you would want to have your back if you ever needed her to, and when she advances on you sexually - you lose your damn mind. I know you know who I’m talking about – you’ve chased her. But you didn’t catch her. And you said to yourself: I spent my dough, I respected her, I put myself out there, I took care of her “needs”…where did I go wrong? Well, leave it to Trina to tell you where you went wrong.

But first, let me let you in on a little secret. Women are much simpler than you think. If we’re not attracted to you or interested in you, we’re probably not even going to exchange numbers. If we think our girlfriends will tease us for going out with you, we damn sure won’t be seen with you in public. So if the girl that I described above (you know that one that you were chasing and didn’t catch) let you chase her, most likely she was willing to be down with you at some point, at least on some level. Yet, you weren’t able to seal the deal. What went wrong?

Well, for starters, your ego probably got in the way. You got so used to being chased by bum bitches, you forgot that good women actually need to be COURTED. Let me be clear about this, though. I am certainly not advocating that you spend your bread on every chick – only the dope ones. My advice is that you keep all of your first dates cheap and simple, such as meeting for coffee or ice cream (and yes, you have to pay). Once you’ve established that this girl is different, special, and a good woman – PLAN A SECOND DATE. This doesn’t mean call her in three weeks to see if she wants to grab some chicken wings at the last minute. No, it means ask her about her schedule and tell her yours, and then set up a time to meet again (a week or two after the first date is good). This will let her know that you want to see her. Don’t have her wondering where things stand between the two of you. Don’t cause her to lose interest in you. I’ll let you in on another secret: what usually goes through the mind of a good woman when she doesn’t hear from the guy she likes or isn’t sure how he feels about her is something like - ‘to hell with him, if he doesn’t recognize my worth, than he’s stupid and I don’t want to be with somebody stupid anyway’. If she’s truly dope, another dude will probably call shortly after she makes this proclamation, which in her mind only reinforces her sentiment. Let me let you in on a third secret: it’s difficult for a woman to be in to more than one dude at one time. Spreading it around is just not in our nature. So it is your job to stay on top – to remain the ONE guy that she truly likes. Good women have egos too. If she thinks for one second that the ONE guy doesn’t feel the same way about her as she does about him, she’s going to make room for intruders – which inevitably means you won’t be the ONE guy anymore.

So how do you make sure this doesn’t happen? Simple - COMMUNICATION. If she’s into you, and she’s floating on air after being with you, you can keep her there with a simple phone call, or - I hesitate to say it – a text message (nice if you truly don’t have the time, but no where near the same effect as a phone call). Don’t blow her phone up either (try calling every other day and let her responses guide you from there). But in my experience it’s usually the other way around. Guys are so self-conscience about becoming a bugaboo, that they play the girl to the left and just wait for her to call him - big mistake. It doesn’t let her know how you feel, and it only makes room for intruders (remember, if you’re chasing her, chances are MANY other guys are too). If she’s in to you, no other man will exist to her if you just maintain the communication. Let me put this into some terms you can comprehend. Dating is your offense, communication is your defense. Offense sells tickets, defense wins championships. You can take her on the greatest dates in the world, and yes, she will continue to go out on dates with you (i.e. buy tickets). However, if you don’t play some defense, I guarantee you another guy will slide in there and score while you’re on the sideline – especially if she’s dope. The ironic thing about this is that you will probably have made her more aloof (a defense mechanism), and thus more desirable to the intruder. This causes him to pursue her harder, and consequently for her to lose even more interest in you – obviously this is completely counterproductive.

It has been my experience that women are often completely perplexed when a guy spills his heart out to her - mostly because she didn’t see it coming. Not because she’s cruel and insensitive, but because this man (who she probably was into at some point) didn’t call or court her properly, so she moved on, assuming he wasn’t interested. Sorry fellas, I hate to break it to you, but women move on too - particularly the good ones. Sadly, once we do, it is so hard for us to turn it around and have respect for you again, and put you back at the top of our list. But this is where you get you’re feelings hurt: we’ll keep dating you, keep accepting your phone calls, keep giving you the vibe like we want to be with you – you know, stringing you along. Unfortunately, that’s in our nature too (I’m working on it, lol).

So if you’re lucky enough to become a good woman’s priority – STAY HER PRIORITY. Call her. Court her. You don’t have to make her your wifey tomorrow. You don’t have to say “I love you” on the second date (In fact, you don’t have to say anything – just call, she’ll probably do all the talking for you!). If she’s truly a good woman she will actually appreciate you moving the relationship at your own pace. But don’t just leave her in the dark, assuming that she knows how you feel about her. You have to LET HER KNOW how you feel about her – and trust me, when it comes to this, your ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.