Thursday, December 31, 2009

Black women are not broken, SO STOP TRYING TO FIX US!!

I get so frustrated with relationship/dating advice that places blame squarely on black women’s behavior when it comes to being single. Sure, there is always room for self-reflection, and of course there are MANY things we as women can change, but we must recognize the PRIMARY issue is not us. If we don't understand that there is a mathematical discrepancy that exists, we'll continue to try to fix something that's not even broken (which, of course, only makes the situation worse).

I'm actually hurt when I read things like: "the reason 70% of black women are single is because they’re (insert insult here)" - statements like this clearly don't acknowledge the larger problem that must be addressed. As one self-proclaimed relationship/dating advice expert submitted to me:

“Men look for three main things: great personality, respectability, and emotional availability. Many black women lack those three things which plays a huge role in why they’re single.”

Advice based on this perception is incredibly dangerous and injurious to black women. We often internalize this advice (when truly there's nothing wrong with us), and resultantly become too accommodating and emotionally available. Too many black women can speak of short “relationships” which have left them as struggling single moms, heartbroken due to infidelity, or with an STD. Too many black women are left wondering why they tolerated an undeserving man’s tomfoolery from Jump Street.

Look, the reality is, black women can self-reflect until kingdom come, it still won't make enough educated black men pop up to wife us all.

If you keep trying to fix your screen while the true problem lies within your VCR, you’re going to f*ck around and destroy your television – which was working just fine to begin with!

When it comes to black women marrying equally accomplished black men, the numbers just aren’t there. Just accept it and start broadening your horizons. If you read any dating advice geared towards black women that doesn’t ostensibly acknowledge this idea, dismiss that b*llsh*t as tomfoolery before it obliterates you from the inside out.

The main problem is we, as black women, haven't figured out how to navigate the system. We haven't figured out how to build a black man up to our level without insulting his masculinity. We haven't figured out how to love those who love us first, even if that person is not the same race as us. We haven't figured how to become patient as opposed to excessively tolerant…

I certainly don’t have all the answers - I’m still learning how to iron out those dilemmas for myself. I just pray we start searching for solutions in the right storehouses, and stop damaging self-esteem by convincing ourselves that there’s something dreadfully wrong with us, when in actuality, we’re just fine…for the most part ;-)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Cablinisian Privilege

Tiger Woods has the thickest veil of impenetrable presumed innocence that I've ever seen on a man who would have been a slave in 1864.

I don’t care what he calls himself, cablanasian, cablinisian – whatever the hell the term is he uses to distance himself from black – Tiger Woods would’ve been pickin’ cotton or in the kitchen snappin’ peas with the rest of us common negroes 150 years ago. Yet somehow he’s arrived at a level of success that permits him to tell police to go to hell - AND THEY LISTEN. That’s right folks, as of today, Dec. 1, 2009, Tiger Woods has not offered any details to authorities regarding the crash that occurred while driving on his property at 2:30 a.m. last week (ref). He has, however, released a miniscule amount of information to fans via his website saying he has “cuts and bruises and was ‘pretty sore’.”

Fast forward to this evening when another of Tiger’s affairs is elucidated (ref). Laughably, a response is posted on titled Another Wood’s Mistress Surfaces? Why Are Women Trying to Destroy Tiger’s Marriage. Of course, the obvious question is: Why is Tiger Woods trying to destroy his own marriage? But more intriguingly, I’m completely befuddled by the propensity of the general public to presume innocence when it comes to Tiger Woods. Michael Jordan doesn’t even get that kind of red-carpet treatment.

Picture Michael Jordan dismissing authorities, telling the po po to come back later because he’s trying to sleep, and refusing to divulge the details of a crash that resulted in thousands of dollars in property damage and a potential vehicular homicide. Picture Michael Jordan walking away from it all with a $164 fine. No days. MJ’s ass woulda been up the river - old age, bald head, and all. The headlines would read: “Michael Jordan detained for further questioning in connection with mysterious crash” - and you know it. So why the discrepancy? Could it be we’re THAT color-struck?