Can beautiful just let smart live?!

My bestie recently earned her doctorate in neuroscience. She’s gorgeous (no exaggeration). A few months ago, we were complaining about our abysmal dating experiences when I think I made her cry:

Her: “I’m real hopeful about the future.”
Me: “I’m not. You think shit gets better after grad school? I don’t. Negroes are already intimidated by brains… da f*ck you think gon’ happen when they hear you’re a Ph.D.? There’s no hope for either of us. It’s over. We’re gonna be spinsters.”

I speak harshly at times. Ok…most times… so I apologized. I can’t even say I really believe that - I was just having a moment. But beneath my point lies one nagging assumption:

Women can’t be too smart. If you are, no one will like you.


I just cringed typing that. Even looks bad written there. Mostly because I don’t want to accept that I’ve accepted that. But I have.

Enter Kanye West and his Runaway movie. He serves up Selita Ebanks as a feathered-out Phoenix – complete with 12 ft. wing span and 24-karat talons.



I truly enjoyed the flick and CAN’T WAIT for Kanye’s album. Runaway left me with three thoughts:

1) Damn! Selita Ebanks has some nice tetas! Are those things real?!?
2) “Your girlfriend is really beautiful… do you know she’s a bird?” – voted most memorable line. I’m still snickering at the double entendre, even if it wasn’t intended.
3) Society’s conceptualization of ultimate beauty in women is usually coupled with romanticization of naiveté.


I get it. Men fantasize about exposing women to new things and being eternally jocked because of it. Wide-eyed gratitude generally comes easier from dogs and toddlers – and stupid people. Accordingly, men cherish (subconsciously or not) ignorance in women. Oh, you can be smart… just don’t be too smart - meaning smarter than the cute boy you’re talking to.

I know there are men who find smart women to be the sexiest thing on the planet, but I’m willing to bet they’re in the minority. Also, I’ve found that a man’s fascination with a woman’s intelligence usually wears off quickly – right around the time when she’s right and he’s wrong. Suddenly, smart isn’t sexy anymore. Nope, then you’re just a bitch.

I dunno...maybe it’s just me. Perhaps some day I’ll learn to walk these fine lines between intelligent and bitch - between assertive and dike - between opinionated and shrew. Or maybe some day beautiful will go her own way, and just let smart be.

Dude, you got us all wrong – lemme tell you what women REALLY want.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you women aren’t materialistic. I’m not even going to deny that we don’t lust after Barack simply because he’s a handsome commander-in-chief. I won’t even pretend like women generally don’t care about how much money a man makes. If I told you that, you would call me a liar, and vow to never read my soap-boxes (er eh…I mean blogs) again. And you’d be right. So I’ll start instead by straight-up admitting that even though I have my own isht, I too become giddy when a dude pulls up in an SLK to pick me for dinner at the Chart House!

But looks, education, a career, and money are only a small slice of the what-women-want pie. Height, 24-inch biceps, money, and 25 doctorate degrees don’t replace our basic need to be adored and respected, or our desire to “feel like a woman”. Yet, so often we hear men go into this “woe is me…nice guys finish last” narrative. They seem to think that unless they drive a Mercedes, can bench press 250 lbs., hold an M.B.A., and work for a fortune 500 company, women won’t be interested in them.

Negatroid. Sure, just like men, women have fantasies. But generally, we’re realistic when it comes to dating. I’ll let you guys in a little secret: most of the time when women are sitting around complaining about the deficiencies of men, we’re complaining more about the things they should DO but won’t than we are about the things they could HAVE but don’t.

Here’s some more food for thought for the single men. So often I see you guys sell yourselves short when it comes to a lady you like. You walk by her a thousand times before you stop and ask her name. You don’t call because you’re concerned she won’t answer (so you send that b*llsh*t @ss “what’s up” text). You don’t want to spend money on dates because you “ain’t no sucka”. All these behaviors translate to women as either a huge ego, or a lack of confidence. If you regard me as a respectable young lady who deserves to be properly courted, why don’t you court me properly? Are you just trying to see what you can get away with? If that’s the case, don’t be mad when I treat you like a jump-off and turn over and go to sleep as soon as I get mine! Furthermore, ask yourself: would a confident man demonstrate fear of rejection? No! A confident man knows he’s a great catch and could care less if one particular woman is disinterested! I know - men love women who “play their part” and “let a man be a man” in relationships. Truth is, there are lots of women who actually WANT to play that part. However, you must realize that roles are defined from the moment of the first exchange between a man and a woman. If you don’t play your part and court a lady properly (AHEM…the traditional role of a man) in the dating phase of a relationship, don’t expect her to be a submissive Suzy-homemaker six months down the line.

On to my boyfriends, fiancées, and husbands. First, let me throw out this caveat: I’m single, and have been for quite some time. But I can tell you this – NEVER has a female friend or relative called me to complain about the fact that their man’s car isn’t fly enough, that he can’t afford to take her out, or that he didn’t bring her an extravagant enough floral arrangement. The complaints usually go something like this: “he never takes me anywhere,” “he stayed out all night and didn’t even bother to call,” “he doesn’t appreciate me” - all intangibles. What does that tell you? If she’s with you, it’s probably because of YOU. Men seem to always want to believe that they have to buy a dozen roses, make dinner reservations at The Capital Grille, and drive an Aston Martin to keep a woman happy. Trust me - it ain’t about that (not sayin’ that we don’t like those things too!); it really is the thought that counts. Here’s a tip: save yourself the $32.50 on roses, and just make the frickin’ phone call. Pluck a tulip from the neighbor’s lawn. Bring home her favorite candy bar once in a while. And if you can’t afford that dinner at The Capital Grille, how about just going to Red Lobster (I don’t know anybody who would turn down some cheddar bay biscuits!). Finally, this whole “play ya part” thing applies to you too. Confident, respectable men make calculated decisions, and they’re prepared to deal with the fallout no matter the outcome. You can’t seriously expect your lady to let you be “the man of the house” and manage the finances if you’ve been known to blow your entire check on video games.

That’s it – confidence, love, respect, adoration…you know, the intangibles. Please, fellas, stop running around talkin’ ‘bout how women don’t know how to treat a good man, how we only want to date thugs and gangstas, or how we have unrealistic expectations of men (we don’t really wanna date Barack! Barack is too damn busy! And married!). Next time you tune your lips up to make those assertions, ask yourself the following questions: have I successfully defined myself as “the man” in the relationship? Am I as confident as a thug or gangsta? Is the pressure I feel really due to my own silly preconceived notions of what I think a woman wants from me? If that pressure has anything to do with possessions, it’s probably more YOU than it is HER. Most women I know genuinely want to be loved, appreciated, respected, and courted. Usually, they would rather you make the “honey, I’ll be home late” phone call than show up the next day with a bouquet.

There’s no big mystery to what women want. Be confident, and learn to put that ego aside. Trust me, that’ll carry you a long way as far as most women are concerned.

The Remark Heard 'Round the Facebook World

The Black Man’s Quote: “Maybe because black women aren’t raised to take care of their man as well as white women or Latina women...I wonder if white and Hispanic women expect to be treated as queens?? Or if they simply want to be great wives and mothers?”

Yes. An actual quote, made on facebook, by a black man (who shall continue to remain nameless).

My initial reactions: offended, hurt, and concerned.
My second thought: well, he just crossed over! (cue Lauryn Hill’s “Lost Ones” – LMAO!)

Now, the author of this quote is a dear friend of mine – so put down the .22 ladies! Additionally, a few other black men quickly chimed in to express their emphatic agreement. Whoa nelly. Y’all might wanna pump ya brakes - you might be digging yourself a deeper grave here.

Even though I disagree with you, I’m not going to lash out. Recognizing that I am the personification of the strong black woman, I am going to respond to this statement on behalf of my sisters just the way a strong black woman should: with the strength to re-educate the miseducated negroes, from an African-American perspective, but in the loving, caring, and nurturing way that a real WOMAN should. (Hey Boo Boo - how you like them apples?!)

First I was offended.
Not for myself, but on behalf of my Caucasian and Latina sisters. You’re implying that white and Latina women aspire to be nothing more than a wife and mother - that they don’t aspire to be educated, develop careers/professions, or advance themselves and their people. Not saying that there’s anything wrong with a woman who only wants a career, or only wants to be a wife/mother, but we all know that it takes a truly GREAT woman to do both. So are you saying that greatness is not something Caucasian/Latina women envision for themselves? And therefore don’t expect to be treated as such? I could go further, but imma let my white/Latina sisters handle the light work.

Then I was hurt.
Black man, you say I don’t know how to treat you, but what about me? Lauryn said it best - “Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity.” What’s taking care of my man? Am I supposed to cook and clean, massage his back, tell him he’s wonderful, be slow to accuse, hasten to love, look good 24-7, and submit to his will? I see a lot of black women doing that for their black man - to no avail. Their relationships end in infidelity and betrayal; they end up abused and broken-hearted, as struggling single mothers, or literally shedding tears in the rain. Inherent in this quote is one correct assumption: black women are slow to submit. However the neglected principle here is the painful reason behind this: so often black men perceive submission as weakness, or are simply incapable of dealing with it. When we let you have your way, you wanna stick your chest out and give us your ass to kiss. But then you wanna holla at us about how we won’t "let a man be a man". Why do I have to let you do anything? How about you just BE a man? A man is supposed to shelter a woman’s vulnerability, not take advantage of it. Sure, I could submit to your way, give it up whenever you want it, give you head everyday, let you control the remote, only cook your favorite meals...but if I do all that, are you still going to respect me? Hell, if I give it up to you tonight, are you even going to call me tomorrow? Or even respect me enough to return my call? And because I am less prepared to accept your b*llsh*t (or am more aware of it) than my Latina and Caucasian counterparts, this somehow makes me a less valuable woman?

Finally, I was concerned.
I say I am a queen and expect to be treated as such. You manage to find fault in that and respond with a back-handed comment that was designed to slap me down – lower my self-esteem, and let me know that I ain’t no better than any other woman walking through this world. Look, it’s not me I’m worried about - I’m still a queen. My concern is you. The fact of the matter is - if you can’t see the strength and greatness in me, then by definition, you don’t see it in you. I am your reflection. Do you know who I am? Maybe you need to read some Maya Angelou. Do you know who you are? Maybe you need to pick up some Marcus Garvey. We were kings and queens long before being brought to this place called America. You don’t wanna wife a queen? Look, if you’re not up to the task of treating a queen like a queen, that tells me one thing - you are not a king. Just as it is a woman’s role to respect, love, and submit to her man, it is a man’s role to do the same for his woman. Just as a queen upgrades a king, a king should do the same for his queen. I know, it’s hard out here. There are alot of masqueraders in this world - hoochie mamas pretending to be queens. But please, don’t give up on us black man. The real strong black women aren’t ready to give up on you.

Lie to You

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I finally have the dating game figured out. My new strategy is simple: lie.

Yes, lie – because apparently honesty isn’t getting me anywhere. And I have considered the possibility that it’s all me, that I’m a poor communicator, that I’m not capable of saying exactly what I want, that I’m not pretty enough, that I need to lose weight, that I need to dress like a lady, that I need to stop cursing all the f*@#ing time. There is some truth in all of those things, but the reality is that’s only 20% of the problem. Now I get it. It’s not me – IT’S YOU.

When I say you, I mean all of you baby boys. You know, the ones who we good women give credit for being men the moment we meet you, but we forget that you actually might be a 35-year-old little boy. We forget that you were raised in the same streets as the low-lives that we wouldn’t give the time of day. We forget that, as much as you talk about how much you want a “real woman,” yo dumb ass might not actually be capable of handling one. We good women give you undercover baby boys WAAAAYYY too much credit.

Do you know the sad reason I still drive an ’06 G35 instead of stepping up to an ’09 M35 like I really want to? Baby boys. Baby boys who pretend like they want to be with a woman who’s capable of doing her own thang, but in reality, a woman with her own sh*t intimidates them. For the life of me, I can’t understand it, but somehow my ride being flyer than yours translates in your weak ass mind to you somehow being incapable of taking care of my needs. Somehow my swag undermines your manhood – in your weak ass mind. I know it; I watched your whole game switch-up the moment you realized how I was rolling. Something in you said, “she’s not to be played with.” Now that you’ve dropped back on your pursuit, am I not to assume that it’s because you’re intimidated and afraid of rejection? Hey numskull, peep this: the ’06 G35 doesn’t change the fact that I’m a woman with needs, that I like to be held at night, that I appreciate flowers, candy, and hand-written birthday cards. Just imagine, if cats are intimidated by a bruised-up G35, how would they act if I roll up in a brand new M? Presumably the same way they acted when the G was brand new - scared.

Back to the undercover baby boy. He’s the one who brings his own to the table too, however, he’s not accustomed to meeting a woman who is as well. He goes on murmuring about being single, complaining that he can’t find a lady who is his match. Yet when he’s finally confronted with his reflection, he runs - just like the baby boy these streets raised you to be. Look, baby boy, I know what your problem is. You’re scared of rejection, you’re scared of losing control, you’re scared of falling in love. You’re so used to impressing simple women with simple sh*t - and you think you’ll have to do triple somersaults to impress me. You’re scared of doing gymnastics - probably because you don’t want to land on your ass. Can’t say I blame you. But why do you try to make me think I’m crazy? As if there is something wrong with me. Hmph, I ain’t neva scared (doesn’t that make me more of a man than you?).

*Sigh* I could see how I would intimidate you, or undermine your manhood – in your simple ass mind - like I said before. So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do for you from now on...you know, to make it easier for you to feel like a man. So that you can go on believing that your presence alone is enough to impress me (even though truthfully, it really is - and I’ve told you that before, but now I see that I have to dumb myself down in order to make it less “too-good-to-be-true” for you). I’m gonna make myself an “easier catch” in your eyes, so I can stop looking like a whole heap of work to you, or like a “high-maintenance chick” as you’ve referred to me before (wow...I’ve been handling my own business for over a decade, but somehow I appear “high-maintenance” to you). I get it, you’re lazy, and not into gymnastics. Especially when there’s a “low-maintenance” broad who’d be happy to have you – and you don’t have to do back flips to get with her. So ok, here we are. Here are the new lies that I’m going to tell you. I hope they subconsciously boost your ego so that you feel comfortable enough to actually pursue me.

1. This is actually my dad’s car.
2. This was my grandma’s house.
3. No, I’m not in a dual-doctorate degree program.
4. What am I doing at UPenn you ask? Oh, I only got in to Penn because my Aunt works there.
5. I bought this Gucci bag on 52nd St.
6. I really don’t understand modern politics, or the theory of relativity. In fact, I’m pretty stupid.
7. I don’t know how to change a tire, or install an air conditioner, or stain in polyurethane, or hell, even screw in a light bulb. In fact I’m totally helpless. Could you please help me put gas in my car? Err…I meant my dad’s car.
8. I’m not cool. I don’t even listen to hip-hop - that Cam’ron cd belongs to my bother-in-law.
9. I don’t watch sports at all. Who’s Donovan McNabb? And what’s a safety?
10. I have no culture. What is this cabernet sauvignon and white zinfandel you speak of? Are they rock bands?

There. Am I now sufficiently enough of a non-challenge that you’re willing to put in the ounce of work in takes to get me? Right, that’s what I thought. Bitch ass n*gg*s. Smh.

Manscaping - my take.

Dear Catrina,

Is manscaping OK or too femme? Manscaping being a man keeping his Bush in order!

Sincerely,
She-she

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Hmm. The first time I encountered a partner who engaged in such activity, I must admit I was taken aback. He quickly noted my astonishment and scrambled for justification – “the hair gets caught in my underwear while I’m weight lifting, it’s just easier to shave it all off.” Good enough excuse for me – proceed! Hey, I’ve often said I’ve never known a dude not to hit it because there was a jungle down there, I guess the opposite is true for women *shrug*.

Yet, my opinion of this guy definitely changed after that episode. I started noticing other slightly feminine things he did…shaving his chest, holding his pinky up while he drank from a glass, making noises while we – uh…too much for facebook :-p. Anywho, the accumulation of such actions caused me to be quite turned off, which in itself is a minor miracle – dude was 6’3, 215 lbs, beautiful smile, and the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome.

Every man can be caught doing something every now and then that might come off as a bitch move (such as drinking a cream soda, or chewing Big Red – LMAO! INSIDER!), so I try not to measure fellas against my definition of masculinity. However, I truly do suggest that men tread carefully when deciding to shape up down there. Be forewarned: many women may interpret this as you caring too much about your appearance. Vanity is almost always a trait that women are repulsed by in men. We prefer that you are completely oblivious to your beauty, even if you’re an Adonis. See, we women pretend that we are frustrated by the minuscule effort men put in to their appearance everyday. The truth is we actually find it sexy, natural, and it sometimes even makes us feel like more of a woman. It can actually turn us on when you’re hairy, funky, and dirty (well, maybe not all three at the same time, but you get the picture). When you're clean, shaven, and soft as a baby’s behind, you remind us of ourselves – and if we were sexually attracted to ourselves, we’d be lesbians.

He Thinks, She Thinks

She thinks she deserves a phone call. He thinks he’ll call her when he has something to say.

He thinks you two are just “kickin’ it”. She thinks it’s time for an official label.

She thinks the sex was about two bodies becoming one. He thinks you were both just enjoying some sexual gratification.

He thinks when he says it’s over, it’s over. She thinks he’s only saying it’s over because he loves me.

It’s obvious. Men and women are pre-programmed to think differently. As people, we must strive to modify our innate thinking patterns in order to become the best we can be.

Men think logically, that’s a good thing.
You’ve heard it said: women tend to think emotionally first, then logically, while men think logically first, then emotionally. So who is most likely to get hurt in relationships? Women of course! We tend to allow our emotional investment to precede logic and reason. Why would you become so emotionally invested in someone who’s just “kicking it” with you? Men generally don’t do that – the reason they tend to emerge from relationships virtually unscathed, leaving the woman to wonder how he could just turn and become “so cold”. Ever consider that he didn’t turn and become cold? Maybe he was never even warm. Why? Because he thought with his logical mind, and logically it makes no sense to get all emotional about someone with whom you have zero commitment. When we step back and reanalyze our circumstances with our logical minds, we frequently discover that our thought patterns were irrational and delusional; our reactions appear unreasonable and hyper-emotional. Unfortunately, by the time we get to this point, it’s too late. We have already shed a number of unnecessary tears, bargained beyond the point of self-respect, and damaged the friendship we’ve established with “that dude” through our toxic words and actions - which he indubitably perceives as pure ridiculosity and foolishness. So as women, how do we overcome this? First, we must accept that as women, we are delusional and hyper-emotional by nature (acceptance is the first step to recovery!). Realizing that our visceral responses are frequently based on emotional thought processes, we have to find a way to pump the brakes and give our logical minds an opportunity to take over. I often joke around and say, “the number one rule in relationships: shut the f*ck up.” In order for that to make sense, I really should expound upon that idea. What I really mean is FIRST shut up, THEN think logically about what has happened, try to see things from both perspectives, determine the true value of the relationship to you, and tailor your response accordingly. Men lack the necessary machinery to process emotional complexities. When women express their grievances with emotion, men frequently have difficulty interpreting that language, consequently become perplexed and bewildered (which they hate), and thus reason that the woman is “crazy”, thereby taking the easy way out. We’ve all been there, right? Don’t you agree that things usually turn out better when you’ve repressed your swell of emotion, and given yourself some time to think about it first?

Women think emotionally, that’s a good thing.
So by now I’m sure men are getting a good laugh, thinking “I knew it, all bitches are crazy.” Slow down homie. You love it that we’re crazy. Let me tell you why. We are the nurturers, the nourishers, the child bearers. We have been blessed with infinite powers, women’s intuition, and foresight beyond your wildest dreams. Moreover, we possess that thing between our legs which can drive you “crazy”, and thus plays a crucial role in helping the world go ‘round. You’ve accepted it a long time ago - there is no love like a woman’s love, there is no compassion like that which a mother offers, and there is nothing you would rather do at the end of a long day than be completely enveloped in the warmth of a woman’s adoration. What make a woman’s love so special? The kind of love you don’t ever see yourself as being capable of giving? She thinks emotionally first. Even though logically, self-preservation dictates she put her own needs above yours, she still considers you first. So you see, she isn’t crazy - just mystified by your propensity to fail to appreciate her despite all the consideration she has made for you. Still she suffers herself to you - frequently in silence - until the day comes when she can no longer stand what she perceives as use and abuse. She begins to think logically about what is happening. She begins to compute what you have given her and subtract what she has given you, and the math just doesn’t add up. So she walks away, leaving you confused, because you thought everything was “cool”. It amazes me the number of times in my life a man has confessed affection for me that I had no idea he harbored – especially AFTER I’ve told him “I’m done.” Many times, it’s too late for him to make it right (because by the time I’ve said “I’m done” I had probably already moved on to somebody else! lol). The window had been closed, all because he failed to interpret my actions using his emotional mind, i.e. he thought logically about everything. For example, he thinks because he always pays the bill when we go out to dinner that means he’s taking care of me; yet he forgets about all the love and energy that went into those meals I prepared for us at home. He thinks I didn't care that he came home at 5am because I didn’t complain; he fails to realize that I didn’t complain because I DO care. He thinks that Valentine’s Day is a stupid reason to buy me a gift; but he doesn’t see that his refusal to display his affection regardless of the reason is what’s really hurting me. Sometimes fellas, you just don’t understand how much it hurts when you do things that we as women typically identify as STUPID. We reason that men don’t call, or say thank you, or say I love you, or buy a $5 box of chocolates on v-day, or show that they care until it’s too late is because they are stupid. And you think it’s stupid that women think all men are stupid. The truth is, y’all are stupid! You just have to think with your emotional mind to be capable of seeing it :)

Disclaimer: Of course I recognize that all men and women are not the same, and there are some men who are more emotional than women, blah blah blah. Note the use of words such as "tend" and "generally" in this note, and please refrain from starting arguments about assumptions and stereotypes in the comment section - please!?! THANKS!

Dear Virtual Friends,

I’m so sick of text messages…and IMs…and twitter…and myspace…and facebook…and the 700 other methods we use to contact one another which are completely devoid of human emotion and interpretation thereof.

The crazy thing is, we wonder where all the sociopaths and socially inept individuals that we complain about come from. Newsflash: it’s only going to get worse. I think by the time my children’s children have children, the world will have completely forgotten what a smiley face actually looks like - hint: it’s not like this - :)

What’s worse is that the dating game has also come to this point. Gone are the late nights, lying in bed, whispering sweet nothings in your lover’s ear, listening intently for his response. Now you know what happens? I get text messages that read “what’s up.” Nice. Now imagine we’re standing face to face, and you initiated a conversation with that same phrase. Imagine I respond, “nothing.” Now think of how many ways “nothing” can be expressed. I could be smiling, frowning, upbeat, down-trodden, overjoyed, distressed, so-so, or melancholy. All of which could be interpreted as: I need to talk, leave me alone, glad you asked, or why the hell are you bothering me?

We don’t talk anymore. We strip communication down to its nuts and bolts – 140-letter limited phrases. And we wonder where the love has gone. My guess? Love has become lost in translation.

It is said that 65-90% of conversation is interpreted through body language – all of which is lost in a text message. It is also said that communion is a human necessity. Yet, we try our damndest to isolate ourselves in imaginary boxes, disallowing all physical and verbal human contact. And we wonder what’s wrong with us...we wonder what’s wrong with society.

I know, you can’t see my face, or hear my voice, thus making it difficult to interpret the tone of this note – but I think I’ve made my message clear. Call me!

Chris Brown and Rihanna: My two cents.

I know I said my next note would be about “male bitches.” I lied - well sort of. Though we have been inundated in recent weeks with today’s particular topic for discussion, I just had to add my two cents.

I myself am not a Chris Brown fan, but my nieces clearly are…err – were. A couple of weeks ago, my mother and I used the unfortunate circumstance between him and Rihanna as an opportunity to discuss the cycle of domestic abuse with our girls. Then we all watched “What’s Love Got To Do With It,” and made futile attempts to understand why Tina just wouldn’t leave Ike. Remember how the movie ends? Well if you don’t, suffice is to ask yourself one question – what ever happened to Ike? Answer: he died in 2007 purportedly from a cocaine overdose. Who knew? Point is, as the movie ended I said to my nieces, “You reap what you sow. I bet Rihanna will only make more money, sell more albums, and become even more popular after this, and Chris Brown will be completely forgotten.” Wouldn’t it be nice if the world really worked that way? Wouldn’t it be nice if people actually got what they deserved?

As you know, Chris Brown was recently charged for the domestic violence incident (even though Rihanna declined to press charges). I’m sure the criminal justice system will deal with him at least on some level, at least for this specific occurrence. But you know what’s really starting to get my goat? While it’s becoming obvious that this is not the first time (or the last time) Chris Brown beat Rihanna, it’s also becoming abundantly evident that he is going to get away with this crap, virtually unscathed. He’ll probably be making albums, doing commercials, and selling out tours again in less than a year.

How do I know this? Six letters – R. Kelly.

Let me explicate myself.

The case? He’ll probably beat it. Too many times we have witnessed the legal system serve as nothing more than a temporary distraction and public relations device for the rich and famous.

Rihanna? She helped his cause tremendously by rekindling the relationship. Sure, there are the intelligent few who recognize the cycle of abuse, but simultaneously there is an irritating and undeniable sentiment that Chris Brown’s culpability somehow diminished the moment those pictures of him jet skiing at Diddy’s mansion surfaced.

The radio? Hell, they’re already playing Chris Brown’s songs again.

You? Yes you. You’re well on your way to forgetting about the whole incident. Hell, you’re annoyed that I even wrote this blog. You are SO tired of hearing about the whole sordid drama. You just want to get back to the regular schedule of misogyny that you’ve become accustomed to…you know, listening to Jay-Z talking ‘bout how he left ‘em in the cold with a thin sweater.

Side Note: I love Jigga, but ironically, he has quite possibly done more damage to women as whole than Chris Brown ever could – in fact, Chris Brown’s behavior will likely prove beneficial to the women’s movement, as it continues to serve as an impetus for pedagogical dialogue, meanwhile, Jay-Z’s “bitches” and “hoes” will be sustained on wax for all eternity…but Sean Carter’s mad at Chris Brown. Cute :-)

Well, I suppose there isn’t anything any one of us can (or is willing) to do individually to ensure that Chris Brown is appropriately punished for his actions vis a vis the demise of his career…except maybe this: let’s NOT get swept up - stepping in the name of love - as we have so naively done in the past. Let’s all do our part to make sure Chris Brown ends up less like R. Kelly, and more like the Ike Turner that he is.

Truly dope women don’t chase men – ever!

All my single ladies!! (And my 2 shit starters - Brian and Jason! lol)

It’s 8:45 on a Saturday morning - and yes, I should still be asleep – but ya girl is feeling inspired (thanks Randi for the nudge!) to share a recent revelation with you. A while back I wrote a note entitled “Fried Chicken and A Warm Bosom for a Good and Single Man’s Soul”. In the comment section of this blog I stated that “truly dope women don’t chase men – ever”. Of course Tasha (who else? Lol) disagreed with me, and we eventually resolved that truly dope women do chase men - sometimes - even if it just means misinterpreting his b.s. excuses.

You know what I just figured out?!? THAT IS WRONG!! Truly dope women should not chase men – EVER…and leave it to ya girl to break it all down and tell you why.

Have you ever read that book He’s Just Not That Into You? If you haven’t you need to google that shit and get your hands on every free passage of the book you can siphon from the internet (or just go out to a bookstore and buy it – but who does that anymore?). The authors have one major thesis: the sexual revolution was a wonderful thing, but no one woman can reverse one million years of evolution – meaning we can not change the innate nature of men.

As a future veterinarian and a scientist, of course I have to draw an example from my knowledge base! But this is an analogy I at least know my Saul, PSU, and Penn friends will understand (which is damn near all of y’all):

A snake is intrinsically a predator, a polygenically inherited trait. For whatever reason nature “engineered” them that way. I don’t know why (sorry, scientists don’t focus on the whys), but it is what it is. Conversely, a mouse is prey, an unfortunate multifactorial characteristic of the species. Sucks for the mouse, but eh, what are you gonna do? That’s the circle of life. So what happens when you present to a literally starving snake (an innate hunter) a gift-wrapped mus musculus sandwich? For those of you who don’t know – and you can fact check me on this – A SNAKE WILL ALMOST ALWAYS STARVE TO DEATH RATHER THAN EAT THE FOOD YOU SUPPLY FOR HIM ON A PLATE. So how do we get the starving snakes to eat? We usually play tricks on their minds, allowing them to get the thrill of a chase and capture, even though we know the truth is that dinner was brought to them on a silver platter (more on that later).

So I guess by now you can see where I’m going with this. Chasing a man is almost always counterproductive. Men are the snakes. We are the mice. Picture for just one moment a mouse chasing a snake. Pretty stupid, huh? Even if the mouse catches the snake, is that at all satisfying for the mouse? Doubt it. What’s more, the snake is probably thinking “there is no way I’m gonna eat this mouse, it must have some kind of damn prion disease”!

Now fortunately, human beings are slightly more complicated than snakes and mice, but unfortunately, that does not mean nature doesn’t apply to us. I know - It’s tempting to disagree with me right now, because as strong, powerful, motivated, and independent women, you want to believe that you can work to achieve anything you want for your life. And you can. But chasing a man is not the way. It is completely counterproductive. Think about it for just one minute. Think about all the people you know in successful relationships, and ask yourself, who did the chasing? Was he the initiator, or was she? Seriously, I have racked my brains, and I can’t think of one married or long-term couple that I know that shares a relationship that the woman initiated. The shit ain’t natural. Furthermore, consider all of the guys who you have made it easy for over the years (you know, the way guys SAY they want it). How many of these attempts at reversing the natural order of the universe have actually been fruitful for you? Lemme guess – none right? I know. Moreover, how many of these attempts have been painful for you? Yeah…It sucks to be a prey species. But alas, there is hope! Again, allow ya girl to break it down for you so that it can forever and consistently be broke (yes, I just got finished watching Love Jones).

1) If he ain’t calling – put down that damn phone! Don’t you dare call him. That is completely counterproductive. A phone call from you will only turn him off – whether consciously or subconsciously. Maybe he will call when he is ready, but you calling him is like putting the koochie (the mouse) on a plate for him, the d!ck (aka the snake). *LMAO in my head right now – this analogy has gone too far*. For real. Maybe there is a spark there, maybe not. But you can’t do anything about it, so why worry? Hakuna Matata.

2) Stop worrying about how he is going to react to what you say and do. Be mean, damn it!! Think about it. How many men have you told to “GO AWAY” on SEVERAL occasions, and they just keep chasing you? Yeah…for me, the answer is TNTC! Why do men do that? Probably because rejection makes the chase more interesting for them. So why do we make it so easy for the ones that we WANT to chase us? I don’t know y’all, maybe we need to start offering their asses a little rejection too. Can’t go wrong with this, because if it’s meant to be it’ll be. And if a man truly wants you, a freight train couldn’t stop his ass!

3) Here’s the part we can control (alas, the hope part :) ). We can put ourselves in situations more often where we more are likely to be spotted by a predator. Most predators are nocturnal, so this means more late night foraging for drinks/food/dessert/laughs with our girls, and most importantly, with ourselves!! – Not to digress, but really, there is some truth to this “natural order” thing. Prey species are generally gregarious, e.g. – WOMEN! LOL. And a predator’s main thrill in life is to separate his prey from the pack, conquer it, and devour it, e.g. – MEN! (Yes, I'm geeking off my own analogy. Ah…but I digress) – Anywho, as we all know, this is the truly fun part of being a woman – getting all prissied up to go laugh in the faces of wack dudes who try to holla at us. Ladies, this we need to do more often!

4) Something else we can control – let the wack dudes chase you a little bit. It’ll make you feel good. At least you won’t be sitting at home drinking white zinfandel and playing guitar hero (or maybe that’s just me, lol). Besides, you never know who might end up impressing you and becoming THE ONE.

So with that said, I am going to get off my ass and start to enjoy being single again! Life is good. Better get it in before I have smelly socks to pick up off the floor and a toilet seat that won’t seem to stay down! Besides...I think I heard somebody say something about shopping!

Peace,
Ya girl

P.S. Two more things I just gotta add:

1) It must be hella complicated to be a lesbian.
2) India.Aire’s “This Too Shall Pass” is a beautiful song. I cried like a baby when I first heard it - snotty nose and all. You should check it out!

Reciprocity

Isn't it a shame that the more you give, the longer you have to wait for someone to appreciate - and reciprocate. It seems that the more you do for people the more they expect you to do - and it's always the ones that have the least that are the least appreciative. So you need to check yaself if you can identify with any of the following:

10. You ask someone to do something for you and then suck your teeth when they ask you to do something for them.

9. You ask to use the phone and run up somebody's daytime minutes talking to your man - if he's so great why doesn't he buy you your own damn cell phone?

8. You ask to use somebody's computer and then complain that the downloads are taking too long - you can shut my !@..*ing computer down and carry your ass to the library!

7. You think I'm being selfish because I won't drop you (or your kids) off at home - b!tch, don't you know gas cost $3.30/gallon?

6. You show up at somebody's house to eat and you don't bring anything.

5. You complain that the liquor at the party is gone, but you didn't walk through the door with any (note: these people are also usually the first ones to ask "so when are you gonna have another party?!?!").

4. You hop in somebody's car and expect them to give you a ride without even asking. (The next time this happens, I'm driving my ass right back to West Philly - you can catch the El from there).

3. You always want some head, but you never wanna give any.

2. You hang out all night at the club with someone, knowing you wanna ask for a ride home, and don't even offer to buy them a drink or pay their way in - now you know a cab ride will cost you more than a drink.
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1. You come over to my crib, open the fridge like you live there, and start drinking the last little bit of my home made iced tea - now you know that's a flagrant foul!

I'm sure some people were offended when they read the above list - you're probably one of those people I'm talking about. I could care less if I get your kudos, what you need to do is check yaself! I still love ya, but you need to know - IF YOU AIN'T A PART OF DA FAM, YOU CAN'T EAT OFF MY LABOR (right 1st big diva?). To those who were laughing their asses off when they read this - you know you can count on me to say what everybody else is thinking ;)